i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
wow bdsm is so cute
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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