Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
