oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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