i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
