That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
