Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
