Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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