update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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