Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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