WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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