Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
