Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
