i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
