True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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