I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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