I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
