My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
