Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
