She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
