Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
