yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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