Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just high enough for therapy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
