just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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