Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
