Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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