I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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