I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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