Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
