WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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