I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
