I'm so fucking centered right now
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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