When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
