I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
