I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
