Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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