i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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