well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
