the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
