so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
