Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
