You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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