i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your cock deserves a montage
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
