I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
