took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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