I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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