My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
