I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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