In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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