You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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