I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
