Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
