I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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