it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
