I think my fart just growled at me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
