I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
